Seperation.....

What the hell happened……

This is THE question i have gotten repeatedly over the last 10 months.

When you hide things from people and pretend everything is perfect……. Then announce you're separating followed by your getting divorced… Its a good question. And when you throw in you are still friends and your still interacting with each others families… It does cause a bit of head scratching…. They aren't together anymore………...Yet they are still hanging out together and with with each others kids and families…. ….. Yeah I can see how it can be confusing…

It really is hard to explain. Nothing really happened. No One cheated on the other, pimp smacked, did anything bad. Things just haven't worked in years and we were so busy dealing with the all the other holes in the ship we didn't pay attention to the ones that had to do with us.

We moved waaay too quickly (all you who told us this 6 years ago..SHUUUUUSH. lol). We went from meeting to married less than 9 months. We skipped alot of steps including the ones that would have told us we make better friends than we do a couple. (Once again SHUUUUUUUSH).

Clay and I are different in alot of ways. In some cases this is good. In ours it did not help. We had talks and arguments and all that about what needed to be fixed and what needed to be tweaked and who needed to do what. And sometimes one or both of us would work on things, and in some ways it temporarily fixed things. Or put a band aid on it. But in reality either of us were truly invested enough to do the hard work. And in some ways its because us being married was never a good idea.

We had a lot of fun in our 6 years, and i think that's what really throws people off. We looked happy we were fun to be around. And ya know what we still are and still will be. In the last 10 months we have gotten along better than we have in years. We have had conversations about things we needed to do to make sure our friendship and relationships with each others kids survives this divorce and unlike our marriage we have both put in the effort to keep that going.

I always say I am generally the exception rather than the rule. This is just another example. I have a soon to be ex-husband who is a very close friend, i get to continue to be in his and his kids lives, he will continue to be in my and Joey's life. All we had to do was pull our heads out of our asses and realize we were trying to drive a car with no motor…

Top 5 Moments in 2013 !!!

Picking the top of any list is hard. Picking the top 5 moments of 365 days is even harder. So these are the top 5 moments that stick out of all the amazing things that have happened this year. 

Top 5 moments of 2013

February 15, 2013: The separation.

As hard as it has been this is obviously one of the biggest moments of my life and this year. I fought it when it hit but since then it has ultimately been a good decision and should have been done a long time ago. Life is more in sync in so many ways. Not easy but so much better.

May ____ 2013: The rock.

A very amazing woman gave me  rock.. Not a diamond.. Not a big rock. a REALLY small rock. She knows i like to “hide under rocks” to ignore what I don't want to pay attention to. So she gave it to me as the only rock i can hide under, until I stop hiding and it sits in my living room where i can see it. Its a reminder of where I was and where I need to work to never return to..

December 10, 213: The Golden Trashing

I have always thrown my birthday party.. Noone has done anything for my birthday since I was 18. This year my friends got together and TRASHED my apartment with the most hideous of colors gold/yellow and the evil #3.. This spoke to me in ways I don't think any of them will truly understand.

Multiple days/ways: Crazy Loves stepped in

This year I was told I was “on break” from a lot of things including taking care of others. Some very amazing friends and family took that as their cue to show me something I have never believed, I don't have to take care of others 24/7. The value of me is not in what I do for others. I have been blessed in so many ways by some of the most amazing people I have never let do that for me.  

September ___, 2013: Rogers Heart Attack/Surgery

Few things in the world remind you of how fast things change like a major life shift. When Roger had his heart attacks and surgery. The world stopped. Anyone who knows him knows you can't stop him.  When he had his surgery it was a major shift in our world. There were so many blessings that week and so much has changed since. This man has been such a blessing in my life in the last 6 years the thought of him not being in it is hard, the fact that it almost happened this year shakes me to the core.

Roger James & The Christmas message.....

When I met Clay I was on an….. extended break from church. I was done with The whole thing after 20+ years of going to baptist and catholic churches and seeing hypocrisy and ignorance and stupidity I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo D-O-N-E !!!

So imagine my reaction to this:

One afternoon Clay,  myself and my friend Luke were sitting at Steak n Shake and we were talking about something to do with church and i was talking about how done i was with the whole religion thing. I never really gave up on God. BUt I was done with hypocrite telling me what and how to do shit. And i believe i was probably ranting about my dads current pastor and his daughter…. Oh my God pastors kids so freaking snobbish, and annoying, and high n mighty. UGH !!!!

Clay then turns to me and says….. I did tell you my dad was a pastor….. Clay and I had just started dating, and I really liked him…… And when those words came out of his mouth… I'm telling you I almost DIED !!!! I believe the EXACT words that came out of my mouth were “I think my head is going to explode!!!”. The guy I liked, the guy I was dating, the guy i was veeery quickly falling in love with… was a….. he was… he . he . he. was a … PASTOR'S KID…. Ooooooh fuuudge no !!! this was noooooooooooooot happening. I honestly considered breaking up with him for that alone. Cause if he was  a pastors kid.. There was no way in hell his parents and I were going to get along. It was a bucket of trouble….

When I met Roger for the first time… I still punch Clay in the arm for this… Let me tell you that FUN little story…….

So anyone who knows me, knows I'm sarcastic. I had a TON of smart ass and in some cases inappropriate sarcastic t-shirts. One day Clay needed to go to his parents house to pick something up. I got worried cause i was wearing my peace sign necklace, torn jeans, flip flops, and a shirt with this image:

Clay swooore that his parents weren't home. When we got there the garage was open and a car was in the garage…. I told Clay there was noooooooooooo way I was going in there. But he bugged me until i did. We get inside and Roger comes up from the basement. I'm standing there with my arms over my shirt. Was trying to cover something I KNEW would grossly offend a pastor… Especially with me dating his son. So Clay introduces me to his dad and then…. Asks his dad what he thinks of my shirt…. I … Could have…. KILLED him….. Roger walks over  moves the peace sign stares at my shirt for a minute looks at the peace sign and then at the shirt again.. Steps back… And says.. “Looks like she hasn't made up her mind yet..”..... I'm telling you my jaw about hit the floor. I was expecting a lecture, anger, assinineness (is that a word lol), I got… a silly smirk and a joke… Was Clay sure his dad was a pastor… What the hell.

The first time I met his wife I had the same preconceived notion that she was going to be a typical pastors wife. I will never forget the first time I had dinner with the 2 of them they joked about everything, themselves, Clay, Rogers time as a pastor.

It was Roger and Michelle who introduced Clay and I to The Crossing, the church I currently attend. It was his awe of the lessons/messages given by Greg that got us to drive from South St. Louis to Chesterfield to go to Church.

In the 6 years I have known him, he has been the example of the Pastor I wish I would have grown up. While until today I have never heard him speak in a “pastorish” way, I have heard him talk about the bible etc. But its not that I always looked for in a pastor. His character, the way he treats others, the way he is with his wife.

This morning when we sat down to open presents. I noticed he had 2 bibles next to his chair…

And I knew something was going to be different. He started talking about how Greg's message this weekend had stuck with him.

He said:

Imagine you are having a birthday party and lots of people come and they are jovial and happy and they are giving gifts and at the end of it all. everyone has gifts but you , that is what is happening to Jesus. Which I think is true, we celebrate and worship Jesus and are all excited about his birth, but in the end all the “presents” are for family.

     As part of Greg's message this weekend he asked what it was that was keeping you from focusing on Jesus, what was it that took your attention from that.

     In Rogers house on a shelf so to speak there is a 3 piece candle holder set that spelled J-O-Y. From the kitchen when you look at it, it says J-O-Y, but looking at it from the living room it says Y-O-J. He said he was taught that J-O-Y stood for JESUS first, OTHERS second, YOURSELF last. And it is when you look at it from the wrong angle that problems come.

     He went on to talk about the least of these and helping them and God's promises to those who do. He then gave everyone in our family an envelope and a “mission” to use the money in the envelope to do some good, use the card in the envelope to document and to get together again to share what we had done.

     I wish I could have captured the whole message. I started taking notes, and then in a moment of DUH realized i had TWO cameras in my hand. Seeing Roger preaching today gave me a glimpse of what kind of pastor he probably was years back…. I am in awe of this man who had a big part in bringing me back to the church and in some ways back to God. He has been an amazing part of my life, an awesome grandfather to Joey. And even with the coming divorce I am blessed to be able to count on his continued presence in our lives.     

          

My Sunday Morning....

My Sunday morning

I haven’t blogged in a while.. And by that I haven’t posted any. I have written quite a few and one of these days I will get around to posting them.. What happened today could not wait. To those of my friends who are Christians or “believers” I think you will understand why this is such a big deal... Others may think I’m making a big deal out of nothing. To me it is total re-affirmation……

Backstory:

We were able to get a new car last year. That was so awesome, the payments SUCK but I have a car that is perfect for my needs and looks pretty awesome 2. After the last 2 of our vehicles were crap having a new car was a big fat BLESSING and I thank God for it every day. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. (Our jeep was basically in pieces when we got this).

The only issue we have is one of the tires have needed to be replaced for MONTHS but with the layoff and car payments a new tire was NOT in our string tight budget. So our awesome nephew patched it when he was here. But thanks to all the heat we have had it has started to hold less and less air. Yesterday Clay re-patched it and said it may or may not have been in tight enough but seemed to be holding air….

Today

This morning I could NOT get out of the house on time… Anyone who know me knows I am ALWAYS early... it’s an annoyance of my entire family. I absolutely HATE to be late. But this morning Joey and I finally got on the road about ½ hour later than I planned…. 

When I left for church this morning it was at 13 (the rest of the tires are about 30-34), so I put some more air in it and started on our journey to church. By the time we were on the highway it was at 5……… So halfway down 270 I pulled over and put a bit more air in it. When I started driving again it went down to zero….And it started to rain... I called Clay and was freaking out, going on and on about how the tire blew and I was running late and….bla bla bla….. lol Clay then, calmly told me I was going to have to change the tire, there was a donut in the back of the car that would have to do…. As I was on the curve where 270 joins 70…. Pulling over was NOT an option. So I went into full anxiety mode. I couldn’t change a tire. I have SEEN tires been changed. I hadn’t done one in like 70000 years…. And this was a new car with those weird jacks... I could not do this. I must have said “are you serious” to clay a billion times… (My poor husband when I go into anxiety mode I go full throttle.) I was able to slowly reach the McDonalds off of Earth City Expressway and pull over.

Clay tells me there are instructions in the car booklet…. After searching the midget glossary I found where the tire information was… And it’s not itemized… Cause that would have been helpful… So I had to search the entire tire section found a bunch of information that no one cares about before I found the direction for finding the tire etc. So I hung up with clay and in the rain (the first rain in months!!!) get the donut out and the weird little jack. I figured out how to separate the parts of the jack and started trying to loosen the bolts…. Yeah wasn’t happening…..  

Then 2 guys to awesome people I have never met.. Walk over to me and ask if I needed help…  Uh YEAH. These guys did everything for me... And explained all the donut do’s and don’ts. I thanked them like a billion times they then told me that they just happened to be waiting for their boss... He should be there anytime and would be leaving soon……

So doing the math in my head if I would have left when I should have…. I would have been there for how long freaking out while trying to change the evil tire. But as I always tell people. Everything happens for a reason. There was a reason we left late, there was a reason we go all the way to almost 70 before the tire blew and I was able to get to Earth City Expressway, there is a reason why these 2 random total strangers decided to help a total stranger….

God only gives you what you can handle and he has a plan.. This is one of those few times... I was immediately able to see why things happened the way they did. I feel extremely blessed today!!!!!

The busted tire... EEK

 

The donut.. Looks like it belongs on a mini bike.. Not an HHR.lol

Fuzzy picture of the awesome guys who changed the tire for me :)

New Years Eve Blog.... I learned ALOT in 2011

Its New Year’s Eve... It has been an eventful year that’s for sure. It has been jam packed with supreme ups and supreme downs. I have learned a lot this year.

I learned that every bump in the road is really a lesson wrapped in a way we can understand it. I truly believe that God will not put me in a situation I cannot handle... I just have to realize how to handle it. Every situation I have faced this year I have been able to look back and go… Ok I get it now... lol 

I have learned to appreciate all the blessings I am given no matter how big or how small. Sometimes you are given something that you don’t realize how it will impact your life. I think its important to pay attention to small things like hitting all green lights on a long morning drive. To that person who let you get on the highway instead of sitting there waiting for the traffic to die down. It may not seem like anything but it is important.

I have learned that procrastinating in relationships can cause major holes and you may fall in the whole before you realize it’s there.  I tend to have tunnel vision and I have worked on that a lot this year. I need to see the whole situation not just what I’m comfortable dealing with. 

I have learned the phrase “ask God to help you with something and he will give you opportunities to deal with it”…. I like most other people wish that I could say Dear God I need your help with ______ and I could just go to bed and it would be done. But it is better the way he does it, just slightly annoying at times. lol 

I learned that I SUPREMELY suck at taking care of myself. I have gotten sick more this year than I think I have in my life… And I jokingly say one of the reasons God put Clay in my life is to take care of me. God knows he does a better job than I do… 

I have learned that my expectations for my husband are sometimes extremely retarded. I have a truly amazing man in my life but he is not perfect and will not answer everything perfectly and do everything exactly as I wish…. Even though sometimes that’s exactly what I would have expected. lol 

I have learned how important my relationships outside my husband and kids are. Before this year I did not really go out of my way to see my friends.  And yet I would expect them to go out of their way. I have really worked on being the friend that I want my friends to have, while I have not perfected the art form. I have really tried to forge and renew the relationships I find important. 

I have learned that even thought I have changed A LOT in the last 4-6 years I still have a lot to keep working on. Clay and I always talk about “old Katie”...  And how amazingly different I am from then. I think most of the people who knew me then would agree that I am an almost totally different person. And the people who know me now would NEVER guess how I used to be. But I tend to stick to …… “but if you saw me so many years ago.” I still have things to work on. Growing up how I did causes a lot of problems with certain thing and with God’s help and my AWESOME support system, and my own stubbornness. There may be a continuous better Katie….

Christmas …… Christmas Presents……

I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about hiding Christmas presents. And I started to laugh. I thought about how my parents hid our presents when we were little.

 I knew of their favorite hiding place…. My parents had a double sided close, a  his/hers kind of thing. Next to that was this really skinny “closet” more like a tall skinny storage room. Well that was one of their hiding places. After we figured this out we would wait for a day when my parents left one of my siblings in charge and we would go root around in there…. And see all the stuff….lol

I remember one year my mom had a friend hid it at his house. We couldn’t find anything anywhere.. Then at 2am on Christmas morning I happened to look out the window and saw my parents taking presents out of moms’ friend Dewey’s truck. I guess they figured since Dewey lived in Pacific we would never find em.lol

They also made use of aunts and uncles at some point.lol

When Joey was a baby it was easy I actually put some of his presents on a shelf in his room. He wasn’t old enough to go looking in his closet.lol And as he got older I made use of Rubbermaid containers.lol Now he wants video games and such so it is extremely easy to hide em.lol

My parents wrapped some present late Christmas Eve night. We always had to go to bed early so that “Santa” could come. Well that worked for the most part. I actually verified Santa didn’t exist because of this habit. And midnight mass. 

One year my parents had us go to midnight mass with family. (This was in the 80’s when midnight mass was actually held…… at MIDNIGHT.lol). When we got back we decided to sneak up the front walk. There window off the porch looks into the 2 front rooms of my parents house. SO my siblings and I sat there for a good 20 minutes watching them wrap things…. Then we sneaked back down to the sidewalk, slammed my parents’ car door and started down the walk again… This time more noisily. My mom answered the door, barred sight into the living room and gave us our marching orders.lol

The next morning we did our normal tradition. Our parents would have us line up on the stairs in order of age. Then we would be escorted into the living room to open presents. That year it was interesting to see what people got since most of us already knew what was wrapped.lol