Divorce Day

Almost 2 weeks ago Clay and I "finalized" our divorce.
Ironically it was 5 days shy of  a year of our separation, we went from Seperated to divorced in just under a year.

I took the day off. With the idea of sleeping in, ha ha yeah that didnt happen. I slept past my alarm but by no stretch of the imagination did i "sleep in". Did random things, texted a few friends to brag about NOOOT having to get up early on a Monday morning. Cause Im evil like that. lol

We were scheduled for court at 1:30. We had decided to drive together because it seemed stupid to do otherwise. I would love to say I spent the whole day in righteous fine-ness. People who know me know I hate to admit anything is not ok with me. Something I have been working on for the last year. About an hour before I left the house. I got.... uneasy... Started pacing my apartment and went from everythings fine to blah.

I know that what we have decided to do is the right decision. I know we DO NOT work as a couple and this is a decision that should have been made years ago. But due to the level of expectations  I have myself.  I had the OVERWHELMING sense of being a failure. And being selfish and a couple other things that made me feel extremly irritated and emotional and irritated because I was emotional. (Have I mentioned Im odd.lol). I texted a few friends and told them how I was and got an amazing outpouring of reminders of the same things I was telling myself as well as a few well placed bible verses by one of the most amazing women I know.

Clay and I decided to hit Picasso's before court since we would be in the area. Yes thats right my soon to be ex husband and I went for cofffee before standing in front of a judge to affim we did not want to be married anymore.lol

When I picked up Clay I told him I was not ok and he admitted to being in the same boat.  We went down to Picasso's and tried a couple new drinks and hung out and chatted before going to court. As is my usual thing we got there way early.lol

We sat there watching others go before us before we stood in front of the judge for maaybe 10 minutes.... And then it was over. Afterwards I decided I wanted to go to Frontier Park for a couple minutes. I am a nature junkie and I just wanted to stand in nature and kind of breath for a moment. As we parked the car and walked across the snow I pulled up my Matthew West Pandora station and a couple of my favorite worship songs played as  I stood there in the snow looking out over the water and I could almost feel a boulder being lifted off of me.

I was ok. I had made........... We had made the right decision. While it is irritating to think of the fact that we waited to long and caused each other and others pain by not doing this sooner. We ended things in time to save our friendship, our relationships with each others families. Its another weirdness in my life. My ex husband is one of my closest friends, he is in his eyes and joeys Joey's dad, like my father and I .... Joey and Clay don't use the word "step". Joey and I will always be part of the James family and the same can be said for Clay and the kids.

So looking forward and not back. Focusing on the good that has and will come out of this " journey" in my life and how it has and will affect the future.

Katie & TThe History of Coffeeeeeeee

Believe it or not there was a time. I didnt like coffee.... Yup............ Let that sink in.....There was a time that I DID NOT LIKE COFFEE... That sounds about as odd as me not trying to help anyone or make a sarcastic remark....

Growing up my dad always had coffee every morning. I hated the smell. One day I asked my dad to try it and it was sooooooooooooo gross. I could not figure out how he could drink this stuff on a daily basis... Then again he drank beer that tasted like the cans it was stored in.... So maybe it was  a taste thing.

As I got older nothing really changed. People offered me coffee all the time.... And I knew I didn't like it so I never drank it...

Then I met Liz and Luke and they invited me to come have coffee after work at steak n shake... I went more to hang out with Luke and to get to know Liz than for the coffee that I knew I didn't like. When we went to Steak N Shake, Liz put cream and sugar in her coffee.... After putting a looot of this in the coffee it was actually drinkable. lol

So I was able to drink coffee and hang out with them. And it became a regular thing for us to go have coffee and hang out in Steak N Shake after work. Its how I met and got close with some of my most awesome friends. When Steak N Shake started their non smoking policy. We moved coffee night to our apartment. And we started doing flavored creamers.. That is when the real addiction started. You can make coffee taste like almost anything... Its amazing. Thanks to Coffee-mate. One of the best inventions ever. Since then I have tried random coffees at places like Starbucks and The Bread Co, and a personal fave Picasso's in St. Charles.

So I guess I can thank Liz & Luke for starting an awesome yummy addiction.lol

The Rock...........

Anyone who knows me, knows I love to help. I am a self proclaimed helper junkie. I have taken wired, personality, gift, etc assessments and they all agree I am a helper.
I love it, I love to be there for people whether you are my best friend or a perfect stranger. I can thank my parents for that. I was raised to take care of others. Both by instruction and unspoken direction I was raised to take care. I was raised to put others before myself.

The thing I suck at is admitting when something is wrong for me. I could have the absolute wooorst day EVER and if you ask me how I am  doing..... I'm great couldn't be better... I could have 2 flat tires on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere in a snowstorm and if you pulled over and asked if I needed help... Id be like no I got this... Admitting I need help is a major fear to me. It is a weakness. I hate it. Growing up in the world I did created a MAJOR inferiority complex. 

During our marriage when there were times that we needed help in anyway Clay always had to take care of it. I just couldn't do it.. I just didn't want to do it.. It drove him CRAZZZZY. 

When I finally started telling people what happened between Clay and I the response was immediately started with "what do you need", "how can I/we help"... This gave me hives. lol Admitting my marriage was over was bad enough but I hate those questions. I take care of people get it I take care of people.. It doesn't work both ways. How did these people NOT get that. Come on people get with the program. 

When I told my friend Elizabeth what was going on she suggested I contact the pastoral staff at our church and tell them what was going on so they could assist in walking through it....I immediately wanted to go climb under the first rock i could find and hide there. In fact in the email to the pastors i mentioned that. I did not want to admit this was happening much less that I needed help. And a meeting was setup..

 On the day of the meeting this amazing woman gave me this tiny rock. with the letters W I P on it ( I have stated many times over the last couple years I am a work in progress and continually changing and growing) and told me that was the only rock I was allowed to hide under... Now given that I'm 5'7 it was obviously impossible to. lol

At that stage I wasn't past the whole hiding under a rock thing. I once told her i thought I lost the rock and she replied with something about it being the last rock and not hiding anymore.

With the help of her, some other amazing people God had placed in my life over the years and a counselor. I no longer feel the urge to hide under a rock. My best friend is getting used to me telling her when something is wrong, just as i am getting used to telling her.lol And that tiny rock, the "last rock i was to hide under" the one Elizabeth wanted me to at some point to not need anymore. Sits in my living room on my tv and not because I need to hide under it. But instead it is a reminder of what I don't want to feel, no longer need and a reminder that sometimes your friends love you enough to give you what you need. And on that day and every day since. I have needed this rock.