Divorce Day

Almost 2 weeks ago Clay and I "finalized" our divorce.
Ironically it was 5 days shy of  a year of our separation, we went from Seperated to divorced in just under a year.

I took the day off. With the idea of sleeping in, ha ha yeah that didnt happen. I slept past my alarm but by no stretch of the imagination did i "sleep in". Did random things, texted a few friends to brag about NOOOT having to get up early on a Monday morning. Cause Im evil like that. lol

We were scheduled for court at 1:30. We had decided to drive together because it seemed stupid to do otherwise. I would love to say I spent the whole day in righteous fine-ness. People who know me know I hate to admit anything is not ok with me. Something I have been working on for the last year. About an hour before I left the house. I got.... uneasy... Started pacing my apartment and went from everythings fine to blah.

I know that what we have decided to do is the right decision. I know we DO NOT work as a couple and this is a decision that should have been made years ago. But due to the level of expectations  I have myself.  I had the OVERWHELMING sense of being a failure. And being selfish and a couple other things that made me feel extremly irritated and emotional and irritated because I was emotional. (Have I mentioned Im odd.lol). I texted a few friends and told them how I was and got an amazing outpouring of reminders of the same things I was telling myself as well as a few well placed bible verses by one of the most amazing women I know.

Clay and I decided to hit Picasso's before court since we would be in the area. Yes thats right my soon to be ex husband and I went for cofffee before standing in front of a judge to affim we did not want to be married anymore.lol

When I picked up Clay I told him I was not ok and he admitted to being in the same boat.  We went down to Picasso's and tried a couple new drinks and hung out and chatted before going to court. As is my usual thing we got there way early.lol

We sat there watching others go before us before we stood in front of the judge for maaybe 10 minutes.... And then it was over. Afterwards I decided I wanted to go to Frontier Park for a couple minutes. I am a nature junkie and I just wanted to stand in nature and kind of breath for a moment. As we parked the car and walked across the snow I pulled up my Matthew West Pandora station and a couple of my favorite worship songs played as  I stood there in the snow looking out over the water and I could almost feel a boulder being lifted off of me.

I was ok. I had made........... We had made the right decision. While it is irritating to think of the fact that we waited to long and caused each other and others pain by not doing this sooner. We ended things in time to save our friendship, our relationships with each others families. Its another weirdness in my life. My ex husband is one of my closest friends, he is in his eyes and joeys Joey's dad, like my father and I .... Joey and Clay don't use the word "step". Joey and I will always be part of the James family and the same can be said for Clay and the kids.

So looking forward and not back. Focusing on the good that has and will come out of this " journey" in my life and how it has and will affect the future.

Katie & TThe History of Coffeeeeeeee

Believe it or not there was a time. I didnt like coffee.... Yup............ Let that sink in.....There was a time that I DID NOT LIKE COFFEE... That sounds about as odd as me not trying to help anyone or make a sarcastic remark....

Growing up my dad always had coffee every morning. I hated the smell. One day I asked my dad to try it and it was sooooooooooooo gross. I could not figure out how he could drink this stuff on a daily basis... Then again he drank beer that tasted like the cans it was stored in.... So maybe it was  a taste thing.

As I got older nothing really changed. People offered me coffee all the time.... And I knew I didn't like it so I never drank it...

Then I met Liz and Luke and they invited me to come have coffee after work at steak n shake... I went more to hang out with Luke and to get to know Liz than for the coffee that I knew I didn't like. When we went to Steak N Shake, Liz put cream and sugar in her coffee.... After putting a looot of this in the coffee it was actually drinkable. lol

So I was able to drink coffee and hang out with them. And it became a regular thing for us to go have coffee and hang out in Steak N Shake after work. Its how I met and got close with some of my most awesome friends. When Steak N Shake started their non smoking policy. We moved coffee night to our apartment. And we started doing flavored creamers.. That is when the real addiction started. You can make coffee taste like almost anything... Its amazing. Thanks to Coffee-mate. One of the best inventions ever. Since then I have tried random coffees at places like Starbucks and The Bread Co, and a personal fave Picasso's in St. Charles.

So I guess I can thank Liz & Luke for starting an awesome yummy addiction.lol

The Rock...........

Anyone who knows me, knows I love to help. I am a self proclaimed helper junkie. I have taken wired, personality, gift, etc assessments and they all agree I am a helper.
I love it, I love to be there for people whether you are my best friend or a perfect stranger. I can thank my parents for that. I was raised to take care of others. Both by instruction and unspoken direction I was raised to take care. I was raised to put others before myself.

The thing I suck at is admitting when something is wrong for me. I could have the absolute wooorst day EVER and if you ask me how I am  doing..... I'm great couldn't be better... I could have 2 flat tires on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere in a snowstorm and if you pulled over and asked if I needed help... Id be like no I got this... Admitting I need help is a major fear to me. It is a weakness. I hate it. Growing up in the world I did created a MAJOR inferiority complex. 

During our marriage when there were times that we needed help in anyway Clay always had to take care of it. I just couldn't do it.. I just didn't want to do it.. It drove him CRAZZZZY. 

When I finally started telling people what happened between Clay and I the response was immediately started with "what do you need", "how can I/we help"... This gave me hives. lol Admitting my marriage was over was bad enough but I hate those questions. I take care of people get it I take care of people.. It doesn't work both ways. How did these people NOT get that. Come on people get with the program. 

When I told my friend Elizabeth what was going on she suggested I contact the pastoral staff at our church and tell them what was going on so they could assist in walking through it....I immediately wanted to go climb under the first rock i could find and hide there. In fact in the email to the pastors i mentioned that. I did not want to admit this was happening much less that I needed help. And a meeting was setup..

 On the day of the meeting this amazing woman gave me this tiny rock. with the letters W I P on it ( I have stated many times over the last couple years I am a work in progress and continually changing and growing) and told me that was the only rock I was allowed to hide under... Now given that I'm 5'7 it was obviously impossible to. lol

At that stage I wasn't past the whole hiding under a rock thing. I once told her i thought I lost the rock and she replied with something about it being the last rock and not hiding anymore.

With the help of her, some other amazing people God had placed in my life over the years and a counselor. I no longer feel the urge to hide under a rock. My best friend is getting used to me telling her when something is wrong, just as i am getting used to telling her.lol And that tiny rock, the "last rock i was to hide under" the one Elizabeth wanted me to at some point to not need anymore. Sits in my living room on my tv and not because I need to hide under it. But instead it is a reminder of what I don't want to feel, no longer need and a reminder that sometimes your friends love you enough to give you what you need. And on that day and every day since. I have needed this rock.

Seperation.....

What the hell happened……

This is THE question i have gotten repeatedly over the last 10 months.

When you hide things from people and pretend everything is perfect……. Then announce you're separating followed by your getting divorced… Its a good question. And when you throw in you are still friends and your still interacting with each others families… It does cause a bit of head scratching…. They aren't together anymore………...Yet they are still hanging out together and with with each others kids and families…. ….. Yeah I can see how it can be confusing…

It really is hard to explain. Nothing really happened. No One cheated on the other, pimp smacked, did anything bad. Things just haven't worked in years and we were so busy dealing with the all the other holes in the ship we didn't pay attention to the ones that had to do with us.

We moved waaay too quickly (all you who told us this 6 years ago..SHUUUUUSH. lol). We went from meeting to married less than 9 months. We skipped alot of steps including the ones that would have told us we make better friends than we do a couple. (Once again SHUUUUUUUSH).

Clay and I are different in alot of ways. In some cases this is good. In ours it did not help. We had talks and arguments and all that about what needed to be fixed and what needed to be tweaked and who needed to do what. And sometimes one or both of us would work on things, and in some ways it temporarily fixed things. Or put a band aid on it. But in reality either of us were truly invested enough to do the hard work. And in some ways its because us being married was never a good idea.

We had a lot of fun in our 6 years, and i think that's what really throws people off. We looked happy we were fun to be around. And ya know what we still are and still will be. In the last 10 months we have gotten along better than we have in years. We have had conversations about things we needed to do to make sure our friendship and relationships with each others kids survives this divorce and unlike our marriage we have both put in the effort to keep that going.

I always say I am generally the exception rather than the rule. This is just another example. I have a soon to be ex-husband who is a very close friend, i get to continue to be in his and his kids lives, he will continue to be in my and Joey's life. All we had to do was pull our heads out of our asses and realize we were trying to drive a car with no motor…

Top 5 Moments in 2013 !!!

Picking the top of any list is hard. Picking the top 5 moments of 365 days is even harder. So these are the top 5 moments that stick out of all the amazing things that have happened this year. 

Top 5 moments of 2013

February 15, 2013: The separation.

As hard as it has been this is obviously one of the biggest moments of my life and this year. I fought it when it hit but since then it has ultimately been a good decision and should have been done a long time ago. Life is more in sync in so many ways. Not easy but so much better.

May ____ 2013: The rock.

A very amazing woman gave me  rock.. Not a diamond.. Not a big rock. a REALLY small rock. She knows i like to “hide under rocks” to ignore what I don't want to pay attention to. So she gave it to me as the only rock i can hide under, until I stop hiding and it sits in my living room where i can see it. Its a reminder of where I was and where I need to work to never return to..

December 10, 213: The Golden Trashing

I have always thrown my birthday party.. Noone has done anything for my birthday since I was 18. This year my friends got together and TRASHED my apartment with the most hideous of colors gold/yellow and the evil #3.. This spoke to me in ways I don't think any of them will truly understand.

Multiple days/ways: Crazy Loves stepped in

This year I was told I was “on break” from a lot of things including taking care of others. Some very amazing friends and family took that as their cue to show me something I have never believed, I don't have to take care of others 24/7. The value of me is not in what I do for others. I have been blessed in so many ways by some of the most amazing people I have never let do that for me.  

September ___, 2013: Rogers Heart Attack/Surgery

Few things in the world remind you of how fast things change like a major life shift. When Roger had his heart attacks and surgery. The world stopped. Anyone who knows him knows you can't stop him.  When he had his surgery it was a major shift in our world. There were so many blessings that week and so much has changed since. This man has been such a blessing in my life in the last 6 years the thought of him not being in it is hard, the fact that it almost happened this year shakes me to the core.

Roger James & The Christmas message.....

When I met Clay I was on an….. extended break from church. I was done with The whole thing after 20+ years of going to baptist and catholic churches and seeing hypocrisy and ignorance and stupidity I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo D-O-N-E !!!

So imagine my reaction to this:

One afternoon Clay,  myself and my friend Luke were sitting at Steak n Shake and we were talking about something to do with church and i was talking about how done i was with the whole religion thing. I never really gave up on God. BUt I was done with hypocrite telling me what and how to do shit. And i believe i was probably ranting about my dads current pastor and his daughter…. Oh my God pastors kids so freaking snobbish, and annoying, and high n mighty. UGH !!!!

Clay then turns to me and says….. I did tell you my dad was a pastor….. Clay and I had just started dating, and I really liked him…… And when those words came out of his mouth… I'm telling you I almost DIED !!!! I believe the EXACT words that came out of my mouth were “I think my head is going to explode!!!”. The guy I liked, the guy I was dating, the guy i was veeery quickly falling in love with… was a….. he was… he . he . he. was a … PASTOR'S KID…. Ooooooh fuuudge no !!! this was noooooooooooooot happening. I honestly considered breaking up with him for that alone. Cause if he was  a pastors kid.. There was no way in hell his parents and I were going to get along. It was a bucket of trouble….

When I met Roger for the first time… I still punch Clay in the arm for this… Let me tell you that FUN little story…….

So anyone who knows me, knows I'm sarcastic. I had a TON of smart ass and in some cases inappropriate sarcastic t-shirts. One day Clay needed to go to his parents house to pick something up. I got worried cause i was wearing my peace sign necklace, torn jeans, flip flops, and a shirt with this image:

Clay swooore that his parents weren't home. When we got there the garage was open and a car was in the garage…. I told Clay there was noooooooooooo way I was going in there. But he bugged me until i did. We get inside and Roger comes up from the basement. I'm standing there with my arms over my shirt. Was trying to cover something I KNEW would grossly offend a pastor… Especially with me dating his son. So Clay introduces me to his dad and then…. Asks his dad what he thinks of my shirt…. I … Could have…. KILLED him….. Roger walks over  moves the peace sign stares at my shirt for a minute looks at the peace sign and then at the shirt again.. Steps back… And says.. “Looks like she hasn't made up her mind yet..”..... I'm telling you my jaw about hit the floor. I was expecting a lecture, anger, assinineness (is that a word lol), I got… a silly smirk and a joke… Was Clay sure his dad was a pastor… What the hell.

The first time I met his wife I had the same preconceived notion that she was going to be a typical pastors wife. I will never forget the first time I had dinner with the 2 of them they joked about everything, themselves, Clay, Rogers time as a pastor.

It was Roger and Michelle who introduced Clay and I to The Crossing, the church I currently attend. It was his awe of the lessons/messages given by Greg that got us to drive from South St. Louis to Chesterfield to go to Church.

In the 6 years I have known him, he has been the example of the Pastor I wish I would have grown up. While until today I have never heard him speak in a “pastorish” way, I have heard him talk about the bible etc. But its not that I always looked for in a pastor. His character, the way he treats others, the way he is with his wife.

This morning when we sat down to open presents. I noticed he had 2 bibles next to his chair…

And I knew something was going to be different. He started talking about how Greg's message this weekend had stuck with him.

He said:

Imagine you are having a birthday party and lots of people come and they are jovial and happy and they are giving gifts and at the end of it all. everyone has gifts but you , that is what is happening to Jesus. Which I think is true, we celebrate and worship Jesus and are all excited about his birth, but in the end all the “presents” are for family.

     As part of Greg's message this weekend he asked what it was that was keeping you from focusing on Jesus, what was it that took your attention from that.

     In Rogers house on a shelf so to speak there is a 3 piece candle holder set that spelled J-O-Y. From the kitchen when you look at it, it says J-O-Y, but looking at it from the living room it says Y-O-J. He said he was taught that J-O-Y stood for JESUS first, OTHERS second, YOURSELF last. And it is when you look at it from the wrong angle that problems come.

     He went on to talk about the least of these and helping them and God's promises to those who do. He then gave everyone in our family an envelope and a “mission” to use the money in the envelope to do some good, use the card in the envelope to document and to get together again to share what we had done.

     I wish I could have captured the whole message. I started taking notes, and then in a moment of DUH realized i had TWO cameras in my hand. Seeing Roger preaching today gave me a glimpse of what kind of pastor he probably was years back…. I am in awe of this man who had a big part in bringing me back to the church and in some ways back to God. He has been an amazing part of my life, an awesome grandfather to Joey. And even with the coming divorce I am blessed to be able to count on his continued presence in our lives.     

          

My Sunday Morning....

My Sunday morning

I haven’t blogged in a while.. And by that I haven’t posted any. I have written quite a few and one of these days I will get around to posting them.. What happened today could not wait. To those of my friends who are Christians or “believers” I think you will understand why this is such a big deal... Others may think I’m making a big deal out of nothing. To me it is total re-affirmation……

Backstory:

We were able to get a new car last year. That was so awesome, the payments SUCK but I have a car that is perfect for my needs and looks pretty awesome 2. After the last 2 of our vehicles were crap having a new car was a big fat BLESSING and I thank God for it every day. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. (Our jeep was basically in pieces when we got this).

The only issue we have is one of the tires have needed to be replaced for MONTHS but with the layoff and car payments a new tire was NOT in our string tight budget. So our awesome nephew patched it when he was here. But thanks to all the heat we have had it has started to hold less and less air. Yesterday Clay re-patched it and said it may or may not have been in tight enough but seemed to be holding air….

Today

This morning I could NOT get out of the house on time… Anyone who know me knows I am ALWAYS early... it’s an annoyance of my entire family. I absolutely HATE to be late. But this morning Joey and I finally got on the road about ½ hour later than I planned…. 

When I left for church this morning it was at 13 (the rest of the tires are about 30-34), so I put some more air in it and started on our journey to church. By the time we were on the highway it was at 5……… So halfway down 270 I pulled over and put a bit more air in it. When I started driving again it went down to zero….And it started to rain... I called Clay and was freaking out, going on and on about how the tire blew and I was running late and….bla bla bla….. lol Clay then, calmly told me I was going to have to change the tire, there was a donut in the back of the car that would have to do…. As I was on the curve where 270 joins 70…. Pulling over was NOT an option. So I went into full anxiety mode. I couldn’t change a tire. I have SEEN tires been changed. I hadn’t done one in like 70000 years…. And this was a new car with those weird jacks... I could not do this. I must have said “are you serious” to clay a billion times… (My poor husband when I go into anxiety mode I go full throttle.) I was able to slowly reach the McDonalds off of Earth City Expressway and pull over.

Clay tells me there are instructions in the car booklet…. After searching the midget glossary I found where the tire information was… And it’s not itemized… Cause that would have been helpful… So I had to search the entire tire section found a bunch of information that no one cares about before I found the direction for finding the tire etc. So I hung up with clay and in the rain (the first rain in months!!!) get the donut out and the weird little jack. I figured out how to separate the parts of the jack and started trying to loosen the bolts…. Yeah wasn’t happening…..  

Then 2 guys to awesome people I have never met.. Walk over to me and ask if I needed help…  Uh YEAH. These guys did everything for me... And explained all the donut do’s and don’ts. I thanked them like a billion times they then told me that they just happened to be waiting for their boss... He should be there anytime and would be leaving soon……

So doing the math in my head if I would have left when I should have…. I would have been there for how long freaking out while trying to change the evil tire. But as I always tell people. Everything happens for a reason. There was a reason we left late, there was a reason we go all the way to almost 70 before the tire blew and I was able to get to Earth City Expressway, there is a reason why these 2 random total strangers decided to help a total stranger….

God only gives you what you can handle and he has a plan.. This is one of those few times... I was immediately able to see why things happened the way they did. I feel extremely blessed today!!!!!

The busted tire... EEK

 

The donut.. Looks like it belongs on a mini bike.. Not an HHR.lol

Fuzzy picture of the awesome guys who changed the tire for me :)